Dating Escapades - Part 2
results of the challenges and experiments
In my previous post (part 1), I explored how my recent dates with six people, who I anonymously named A-F, led me to reflect upon the way I navigate romantic relationships. I identified some patterns in my dating behaviour that I want to change, so I created 12 challenges I wanted to conquer.
Since then, I have been on a total of 8 dates, with 4 different people, who I will anonymise as W, X, Y and Z. I have used different letters as these are different people to the A-F described in part 1.
In this post I will explore my progress on these new dates, in my attempt to show up more authentically when approaching dating and romantic relationships.
This is a list of the people I dated, a brief description of them, how we met, and how many dates we had.
W - septum piercing - Feeld dating app - 3 dates
X - the nesting partner of my crush - Feeld dating app - 1 date
Y - a creative of many hats - Hinge dating app - 3 dates
Z - clay fingerprints - Hinge dating app - 1 date
Challenge 1: Retire the walking stick. Turn up with my mobility scooter without telling my date in advance
W - septum piercing
I did make a disclaimer to W. Before we met, I told them over whatsapp that I get hemiplegic attacks and can’t walk very far, following a mugging. I turned up on my mobility scooter but did make a disclaimer so … halfway there
X - the nesting partner of my crush
I arrived on my mobility scooter but X ended up being 45 mins late. So by the time they turned up, I had already folded my mobility scooter into its little suitcase sized pull along form. I walked into the cafe while pulling the folded scooter along, and honestly… I don’t think they noticed it at all, so… I’m going to say this doesn’t fully count even though I gave no disclaimer
Y - a creative of many hats
I turned up half an hour late to our date on the day of the tube strikes. I hate being late so I felt very flustered. but I did turn up on my mobility scooter AND gave no disclaimer. Woo
Z - clay fingerprints
The location of my date with Z was a 42 minute roll from my flat. At first I thought, perfect! The distance there and back can all be travelled on one battery charge.
I then had a moment of panic about the thought of people in pub gardens seeing a 30 year old, wearing a bright yellow raincoat, zooming past on a mobility scooter, and I imagined them laughing at me or feeling repulsed by me.
In reality, this scenario has never ever happened. On the contrary, I’ve actually frequently had people I don’t know be incredibly supportive of my mobility scooter, often complimenting the stickers I’ve decorated it with. In fact, many strangers have asked me where I got my mobility scooter from as, according to them, they/their parents/their friend etc need one.
However, sometimes I get big waves of emotion and reluctance to leave the house using a mobility aid. In those moments, I remind myself of how unbearable it was to be housebound due to the severity of my health issues, and compare that to the joy of re-encountering the world anew. (These feelings were so life changing that I actually wrote a song about it - you can listen here). I tell myself that now I don’t want some silly wave of transient embarrassment to deny me the freedom of movement that my mobility aids provide me. I feel the fear and do it anyway.
This was a long winded way to say I turned up to my date with Z on my mobility scooter without disclaiming beforehand that I’d be using it. Yay for growth
Challenge 2: Use my tangle or other stim toys without explaining in advance nor seeking permission. Just start using them during the conversation
W - septum piercing
I weirdly didn’t feel comfortable using a stim toy in front of W despite knowing their primary partner is also autistic. I had my tangle with me on all 3 dates but for some unknown reason, I didn’t get them out and I just played with my clothing seams and squeezed my fingers in my lap under the table instead.
X - the nesting partner of my crush
I did get out my tangle and neither of us said anything
Y - a creative of many hats
Y is also AuDHD like me and we took it in turns to show and swap our stim toys together.
Z - clay fingerprints
I had my tangle with me but instead, I stimmed in other ways. I found myself enjoying the sensation of sitting on my hands and touching the cool crosshatched texture of the cafe’s glasses.
Challenge 3: Casually reference my autism and ADHD (aka AuDHD), and food sensitivities, without treating it like this big disclaimer I need to make
W - septum piercing
W loves to cook so they experienced my inability to consume gluten, cow’s milk and caffeine as a culinary challenge they were excited by. I felt embarrassed mentioning that I can’t handle spice and prefer simpler blander flavours due to my sensory processing disorder. So I avoided saying this until they mentioned their AuDHD primary partner has the pallet of a ten year old and then I felt able to be like ‘same haha’. I did get bothered when W kept trying to tell me that being lactose intolerant is the same as being allergic to the proteins in cow’s milk, and insisted on telling me lactose is a protein in cow’s milk so I can just drink lactose free milk. I explained why this is wrong, lactose is a natural sugar found in dairy, whereas I’m allergic to the proteins casein and whey found in cow’s milk. I said this lightheartedly in a gentle conversational way but they seemed determined to keep repeating their point to correct me and encouraging me to just buy lactose-free milk (despite me explaining it also gives me an allergic reaction due to the remaining casein and whey proteins), so I just changed the subject.
X - the nesting partner of my crush
I mentioned that I am AuDHD via message on the Feeld app. X mentioned they can be quite direct in their communication but also go on rambley tangents easily in conversation. I replied saying my AuDHD ass loves those kinds of conversations and I’m excited to meet in person etc. This didn’t feel like a big disclaimer and it slipped into conversation naturally. Food wasn’t talked about at all on our date so that’s my excuse for not disclosing my food sensitivities
Y - a creative of many hats
When I told Y on our first date that I was gluten intolerant, she turned up to our second date saying she made sure not to eat gluten that day because she didn’t want to risk hurting me by triggering my intolerances when she kisses me. I am once again reminding everyone that the meme which says ‘a man’s princess treatment is a lesbian’s bare minimum’ is 100% true.
In addition, when I came across Y’s hinge profile, she had answered one of the prompts on her profile by saying “I’m weirdly attracted to… neurodivergent people! Weird ones, curious beings, come my way”. This made me so happy to see because I feel the same! And I felt encouraged to tell her I’m AuDHD and she told me she’s the same. This inspired me to update my dating profile to explicitly mention I’m AuDHD and have dynamic disabilities. I used to be embarrassed by exposing myself or risking too much info on a bio but decided it was good to let it screen people out in advance. Plus I always get happy when I see other people’s profiles mentioning this stuff. Here are some screenshots from my updated Hinge and Feeld profiles
Z - clay fingerprints
Z and I matched on Hinge after I had updated my profile to reference AuDHD etc. She told me on our date that she had googled dynamic disabilities in preparation for our date, so she could be understanding and not risk asking any insensitive questions. I really appreciated this and felt able to have more confidence when listing the ways my disabilities impact me. I did mention that I can’t handle caffeine when she asked if I like matcha. I felt so comfortable with her and it felt easy to be my full self
Challenge 4: Notice when I’m defaulting to the kind of tone and body language that a therapist is encouraged to use and then stop it! In the moment, I can call it out. For example, I can say something like ‘oh i’m trying to unmask and be more authentic on dates but I’ve just caught myself slipping into interview mode rather than just being myself’
W - septum piercing
I’m not particularly sure if this fits under this challenge but I noticed, in hindsight, at one point I defaulted to this kind of speaking and body language when I was talking to W. For many reasons, I have chosen to be celibate for a few months, and I will reassess this decision after my birthday. When I told this to W, they got really fixated on trying to tell me that I should still masturbate, even though I repeatedly told them I don’t want to, I intend to abstain from that too. They kept on saying things like it’s not a sex thing, it’s a pleasure thing so it doesn’t count. It really bothered me that they just weren’t able to accept my decision or just ask me from a place of curiosity how I made my decision. Instead of trying to understand how I felt, it felt like W just launched into debating. I suppose I defaulted to the way I’d been trained to speak as a psychotherapist-in-training, because something in me didn’t feel fully safe in that moment. Was I attempting to quell any risk of escalation in emotions or risk of an argument?
Since trying to understand my feelings, I realised more issues I had with their way of communicating e.g. speaking mainly about themself - rarely asking me questions, challenging things I said and expecting me to repeatedly justify myself rather than just accepting what I was saying. On top of this, I feel guilty saying this but, there were a few incidents of things they described about their interactions with other people in their life which gave the impression of a potential saviour complex (which over the years has been a trait that repulses me more and more when I meet people with it, and I am doing my best at removing it from my own behaviour too whenever there is risk of it happening).
X - the nesting partner of my crush
As far as I’m aware, it didn’t come up on our date
Y - a creative of many hats
Y accommodated herself during our date. One example of this is when we were walking&rolling along a busy road. She said to me that she’ll disappear into her headphones while we are by the loud main road and she’ll return to the conversation once we arrive at the coffee shop. In this moment, I realised I 100% also need to accommodate myself in this way throughout my life. So I joined in and put my headphones on too. I was grateful for her for modelling this way of advocating for and looking after oneself
Z - clay fingerprints
I didn’t need to call myself out for defaulting to no-self-disclosure-therapy-mode on my date with Z. Instead, I was honest and mentioned on our date that I was a bit nervous but having a lovely time. I am glad I said this but am also grateful that Z held space in our interaction in a way that helped me feel comfortable enough to admit this easily
Challenge 5: After being asked a personal question, pause, breathe and answer honestly without rushing to the end or deflecting to get back to them talking more. Allow myself to be the focus in that moment. It’s okay, you don’t have to make eye contact as you answer
W - septum piercing
So… I want to say I couldn’t really do this as W was very comfortable talking about themself so didn’t really leave much space for me to deeply think and respond to questions about me. However, it is very possible I subconsciously encouraged W to fill the conversation as I was avoiding any focus on me
X - the nesting partner of my crush
I didn’t do this with X. I rushed and returned the focus back to them quickly
Y - a creative of many hats
On my date with Y, we were not sitting opposite each other, so it felt much easier to mull over and meander in my personal answers
Z - clay fingerprints
Despite sitting opposite each other, with no place to hide from her beautiful eyes, I took my time answering her questions and gave authentic answers to personal questions :)
Challenge 6: Don’t ask a million questions consecutively. Let it be a friendly tennis match of back and forth questions. Get to know each otherrrr
W - septum piercing
I didn’t let it be a back and forth with W. I guess I felt uncomfortable with the attention on me so I vowed to myself to try harder to face this on future dates
X - the nesting partner of my crush
I didn’t do this with X. oops
Y - a creative of many hats
I did it, clumsily, but I did it, hooray
Z - clay fingerprints
I did it, smoothly, double hooray. The tennis match of back and forth questions was a draw
Challenge 7: Don’t kiss nor sleep with them on the first date
W - septum piercing
We kissed on the first date, slept together on the second date, I told them I was currently celibate on the third date. Regret, regret, relief
X - the nesting partner of my crush
We did not kiss, we did not fuck. I did imagine it though. and if the date wasn’t cut short by the end of their work lunch break, it’s possible I would have done both. I’m glad I didn’t, but I’m not glad that the main reason I didn’t was probably thanks to the dreaded 9-5. As my Irish relatives would say - Feck
Y - a creative of many hats
When I set myself the challenge of not kissing nor sleeping with a person on our first date, I hadn’t yet decided to enter my period of intentional celibacy. I wasn’t in my period of celibacy during my first dates with W & X,, on those I was just attempting my challenge. However, I had decided a few days before my date with Y to attempt a period of celibacy, for my own reasons such as self exploration and re-evaluation of my priorities.
On my date with Y, I felt very strictly that I wanted to stick to my celibacy promise. It felt like something I had promised myself, rather than something I was attempting as a challenge. I didn’t want to let myself down, but I did end up kissing Y on our first date. However, the decision of knowing that I couldn’t kiss her seemed to transform my usual relationship to kissing on dates. Feeling like kissing was off the table put me in touch with what I actually wanted, rather than what I have been told is a sign of a successful date. And on our date, I really did want to kiss Y. It came from a place of true desire, rather than from a feeling of a pressure to ‘do well’ on a date and get reassurance that I hadn’t done anything socially wrong, in the form of physical intimacy.
The underlying thought, that drives my unhelpful reassurance seeking, is: ‘we kissed so surely I didn’t do anything socially incompetent. If we kissed then that means I am not secretly hated by or repulsed by everyone I meet - surely they wouldn’t have kissed me if that was the case’.
Oh wow this is actually such an upsetting thing to read about myself. It’s sad it has been lurking in my subconscious for so many years.
Anyway, Y and I did kiss but I’m glad we did. It felt natural and mutual. I can truly say it felt very desired and from a place of genuine and self-loving reasons.
Z - clay fingerprints
We did not kiss etc.
Challenge 8: Ask yourself: if this was a blind date where I couldn’t see them and they couldn’t see me, would I enjoy spending time with them?
W - septum piercing
No, but I kept going for 3 dates ffs
X - the nesting partner of my crush
No
Y - a creative of many hats
Unsure at first but then definitely yes, if it were a blind date I’d want to see her again
Z - clay fingerprints
Definitely yes
Challenge 9: Did I have a good time or did I make it a good time? Was I collaboratively sharing the interaction or curating the interaction? Does reality match my internal experience and what do I learn if I check in with my body?
W - septum piercing
Hmm… I think I contorted myself to fit around W into what would have made it look like a good time from the outside. I don’t know how to explain nor describe what I’m trying to say but hopefully you can kind of understand from that sentence. Overall, it felt like a good time on the first date but then went downhill on the subsequent dates
X - the nesting partner of my crush
I made it a good time but I was avoiding any questions about me. So I cannot say whether I would have had a better time if I’d allowed the date to flow like a back and forth, rather than me behaving like an interviewer with a gentle voice. I spent time focusing on making them feel at ease as they referenced their ongoing anxiety struggles in their life. I didn’t necessarily have a good time but I didn’t have a bad time either.
Y - a creative of many hats
We shared a good time, yay
Z - clay fingerprints
We shared a good time, yaay
Challenge 10: Demonstrate some of my unhinged excitement. Mini infodump
W, X, & Y: no, I did not
Z - clay fingerprints
Yes I did mini infodump but my internal voice was screaming at me repeatedly saying I’ve spoken for too long shut up shut up etc. But Z seemed genuinely interested in what I was saying and asked follow up questions, so I kept going until there felt like a good time for a back and forth where I could ask lots about her passions. She asked me about mine first so, to my surprise, I was infodumping early on in the date, whereas generally I’m quite ashamed of revealing my passion and my interest (they are not shameful topics but I feel like I am extremely annoying if I go on a spiel about things I care about). As Z asked first, it felt nice to know she didn’t just feel obliged to ask me about me after being grilled by me before. It felt more like a lovely sharing of interest and joy, rather than anyone dominating the conversation
Challenge 11: Tell someone if you know the feelings aren’t there. Don’t assume you’re being judgemental and force yourself to elongate the connection by asking for more dates. Take inspiration from A, B, C and F
W - septum piercing
It took me a while to realise, but once I knew, after the 3rd date, I ended it… Via voicenote... Is that shit of me? Ah well it’s done now and we won’t see each other again
X - the nesting partner of my crush
I knew deep down the feelings were not there but I still asked for a second date because I was afraid of being too judgemental too soon. We have not yet planned this second date, and it’s been a month since we met, but I should probably still tell X ‘let’s not plan a second date as the vibes weren’t there’… I know many people would just ghost from this point on but idk idk
Y - a creative of many hats
In many ways, the feelings are there, but we know we want different things in the long term. So for now we’re unmasking together and having a joyful time. She’ll probably leave London soon, and I want to find a life partner, so we’ve discussed and agreed we are destined to be friends
Z - clay fingerprints
I did tell her the romantic feelings were sadly not there for me but we both agreed we genuinely want to be friends because we had such a lovely time together and would enjoy being in each other’s lives.
Challenge 12: Tell them I’m not a cat person (I find it hard to admit this when someone I’m talking to really likes cats lol)
This didn’t really come up directly on any dates but hmm actually 2 people showed me pictures of their family dogs and parents’ cats. I commented on the genuine cuteness of the animals and asked questions (like name, how old etc). I also mentioned in passing I’m more of a dog person but we did not linger on the topic.
Writing this challenge in my last post seems to have given the impression that I don’t like cats. I do like cats. Just not to the intensity that the people I’ve dated do. In the past, I’ve just gone along with the conversation without expressing my preferences about either cats or dogs. This has made me notice that people default to assuming I feel the same as them if I don’t explicitly say otherwise... So, this challenge was mostly about encouraging me to let little truths be worth saying, so I don’t just let the person assume I feel the same. While this is seemingly harmless in the case of expressing adoration for cats, it is practice to ensure I will call out shitty or harmful opinions someone around me might have in future. I don’t want to get in the habit of letting people assume I agree with them if I haven’t let my feelings be known
Overall, I have learned a lot from these dating challenges and I encourage you to experiment with your own! Genuinely genuinely please please do let me know what you learn and how it goes.
Upon further reflection of my dating challenges:
For over a year I was in a non-hierarchical polyamorous relationship with someone who I don’t have any of these challenges with because there has been no need. We get on incredibly well and have healed a lot of things in ourselves due to the freedom we’ve felt in being our neurodivergent selves together. I’m pretty sure we felt supported and affirmed in ways that we’ve never fully had in our previous relationships.
Unfortunately we have now ended our romantic relationship. This is for a few reasons but ultimately because she is poly and, despite trying it for over a year, I have realised that (although I am fairly good at polyamory and do experience compersion etc), I am not poly and I want to date monogamously.
This doesn’t mean any particular relationship style is superior to another, it just means we are not aligned in what we want, and that is okay. It doesn’t mean anyone is in the wrong and it doesn’t mean one of us should force ourselves to change.
For a while after our breakup, I worried that the absence of a need for these dating challenges in our relationship was specific to just her and confined to this particular romantic relationship. Something that made me upset during the transition to friendship was the fear that I would never be able to find another person who I felt this comfortable and safe with. I feared I’d never find someone with the specific qualities she has and I feared that what I wanted was only possible with her.
One of my sisters sent me a podcast interview of Sadia Khan. Listening to it taught me that - the sadness you have about not having the life you imagined with that person, does not mean you can’t have that life you want with someone else. The characteristics and qualities you like in the person you broke up with, can absolutely be found in other people, regardless of how unique the relationship felt. Your relationship you shared together will always be special, but you CAN meet someone new with the values and traits that are attractive to you and who will want to share the life you’re seeking. And learning this soothed a lot of the pain I was feeling from the breakup.
I’m grateful to the hinge algorithm for making my life cross paths with hers and I am eternally grateful for her- my previous romantic partner, who has now become a platonic life partner and creative collaborator. (I could write a dissertation length account of how amazing she is and how much I’ve grown from the privilege of getting to know her… but I’m shedding a tear as I write this so I will end this discussion here).
To interrupt the wholesome vibe by swerving over to a similar topic…
I have a maybe date coming up with someone I’ve met once before who I have a massive crush on. I said maybe because it is unconfirmed whether it’s a friend thing or not.
I have already witnessed my anxiety getting channeled into trying to predict what she’d want in a partner so I can become it. I’ve caught myself imagining scenarios where we talk about mutual interests, hobbies and passions (it’s possible this is linked to an autistic scripting thing but in this context, I don’t think it is coming from a helpful place). We do actually like the same things but I think I’m a bit unhinged, and worry about being too intense, or only asking questions to her because I fancy her so much that I don’t want to interrupt her talking about herself. I’ve convinced myself that it’s embarrassing and offputting to be AuDHD in the context of meeting her. All of this is completely stemming from me. She is not putting any pressure or expectations on me to be anyone other than myself.
Thankfully I have been reading Dr Devon Price’s book Unmasking for Life and he has taught me: “I could only have meaningful relations with people if I actively engaged with them and gave them the information needed to respect me”. Me telling you this, my lovely readers, is an attempt to hold myself accountable for doing this from now on!
Anyways, I can already see how my mind is veering towards behaviours that I sought to undo through the experiment of my dating challenges. Argh! I’m going to try hard to put into practice what I’ve learned and how I want to show up with the people in my life.
I will let you know how it goes.
[edit - hi this is future me, it is now after the meetup with the girl I fancy and in terms of implementing the progress from my dating challenges, I did great and it went well! I still have no idea if it was a date nor if the crush is mutual, but we both had a good time together. Upon thinking about it, I’ve never done a friends-to-lovers relationship before... So, I guess now only time will tell if our friendship naturally goes in that way in future. Regardless of what happens, I am happy I have a new friend as friendship and hobbies are what I live for!]
Amen,
Go in peace to love and serve the Lord
And by Lord, I mean Audre Lorde
